What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 06:27
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And i lived it daily.
What is something you want to "get off your chest"?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was in good health!
Why did you put a guy’s dick in your mouth the first time?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was 9 years of age.
He knew the spot.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why is Reddit blocked by the Indonesian government?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Do snipers lay on top of tank turrets during combat?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Comes on , in middle age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Women like what they hear while men like what they see, it that true?
When she asked me how she looked .
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
How could Trump, with his deplorable garbage supporters, manage to win an election?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What did i know ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I said to her
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I write beautiful poetry .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My family never makes their pension either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was very sick at this time too.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I have no regrets .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I could never make a relationship work though!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She married twice! .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot live in the past .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We all went to grammer schools
I waited trembling.
She found it foreign!.
So whats the point in blame.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
Im still living with it.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Put me off passion for life!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
It was going to be , some day.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
All the time i was locked up.
I don,t even have a pension.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I think the readers, may guess!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why did i forgive my father ?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ive learnt so much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But ive been too sick for many years..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Would this be the day?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She loved him until the end.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She wouldn,t have been !
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Especially a lifetime of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were not on the streets..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My life is so biszare .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it wasn’t much.
I was scared of men, in general
But, we were locked up after school.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Who then, do I blame.?
I couldn’t, believe it.